The last two weeks have been filled with the culture shock that I was certain I could avoid. I have been so happy in Thailand: I enjoy teaching, I have made lovely friends, I have experienced absurd helpings of generosity and kindness, and I feel a lot of internal peace with the decision I made to come here. I thought that I was adapting seamlessly, and was rather disheartened with myself that this briefly stopped being the case.

The first major moment of discomfort came the weekend of Thanksgiving, when I was in Nakhon Phanom for our WorldTeach meetings. I was staying at a hotel from which I had also rented a bike. The night that the other volunteers and I stayed over, we ended up leaving our bikes at a bar so that we could take a taxi home with the intention of recovering our bikes in the morning. I was the first to emerge from my hotel room the following day, and the lack of bikes in combination with the communication barrier left the hotel managers certain that I had stolen their bikes and would never return. This confusion turned into a lot of shouting and eventually the arrival of the police. I failed to communicate to anyone that my friends and I would return the bikes in the afternoon. I was misunderstood, I was stressed, and I was crying with loads of gusto.

It was all resolved when the other volunteers emerged from their rooms, too. Eventually we got my field director on the phone, the police drove us to the bar where we could retrieve our bikes, and once it was clear that the unpleasantness had passed, the police wanted us to pose for pictures with them. Oh, Thailand.

Upon my return to Ban Phaeng, I had several class cancellations throughout the week. December 5^th is the King’s birthday, so I knew that school would be closed for the observation of this national holiday. I did not know that class after class would be called off – upon my arrival into the classroom – so that the students could do things such as learn to sing songs that honor the king, or practice standing in the formation of the Thai number “9” (the King’s number). I had been warned that this is the way Thailand operates, so although I prefer schedules, I was prepared to have unexpected time off. For myself, I was mentally ready for these types of days. What I was not prepared for was the frustration of being prevented from teaching my students. I have one class in particular that has so much potential – I have such big plans for what they can accomplish (do I sound like a teacher yet?) – and I have not seen them once this month. It is crushing to feel useless, and it is devastating to want to offer these kids my time and be barred from doing so.

I called my field director in a moment of deep aggravation. Why is class cancelled for reasons I don’t understand? Why isn’t education valued here the way that I value it? Why am I so angry? This was my culture shock wall, she told me. As I get closer to my two-month mark, she said, I can expect to really be pushed over the edge.

That weekend, I was going to attend church for the first time since coming here. There is one Christian teacher in all of Ban Phaeng, and she let me know that there was a house in which I could attend a service at 11am on Sunday. As I was getting ready to go, another teacher showed up at my door, unannounced (this is incredibly common, and well-received most of the time). She had just been given an order to submit a pamphlet that afternoon, and the pamphlet had to include photos of me and my students at a nearby waterfall. She would not accept any excuse – Thai people do not follow a schedule; they do everything on a whim.

I was more furious than I can ever remember being. I was upset that I did not get to go to church, but what’s more, I was upset that my time and my own cultural traditions were being pushed by the wayside. I thought to myself, I wear black and white every single day to mourn the king. I participate in Buddhist prayer every morning, and make merit amongst the monks whenever I am told to do so. I immerse myself in Thai culture 100% of the time. In being prevented from doing what I wanted to do – a cultural norm for myself – I felt incredibly bitter about how much adjusting I do for others. When do I ever get to just be “Sam?” I became certain that I could only ever be myself back home and that it was time for me to leave.

This sounds dramatic – and believe me, it felt dramatic, too – but I realized that this was my moment of truth: my culture shock wall that I could either tire of climbing or decide to scale. The truth is, I am happy to immerse myself in Thai culture. Being here is a learning process, both about the culture and about myself. In the moments where I feel that I am prevented from “being myself,” I find out who “myself” is. The things that I miss about my life back home and my cultural norms back home and my personality back home are the things that are me and that I should hold onto. The things that I don’t miss (there are plenty) are the things that I should let go of and grow from.

This new sense of self guided me through the next week, where every single one of my classes was cancelled. One day, all of the teachers went on a field trip. My impression was that we were going to cheer for our students in a science competition a province away. We did indeed stop by the competition – only to take photos with the students and then leave. From there, we traveled to three different shopping malls. It was a special teacher day that consisted of shopping from 6am to midnight. I still don’t fully understand the purpose, except that it was supposed to make us happy. Teachers like playing hooky, too.

My favorite moment of this trip was the lunch. We were each presented with a box of sticky rice (very common in Thai cuisine), and I commented upon how much I liked the boxes. Upon hearing this, one of the teachers insisted on buying them for me. So much generosity, and so much kindness.

Another day last week, two teachers took me to Nakhon Phanom to apply for my work visa. While there, we went shopping and met with a few friends of the teachers I was with. “We love you,” these friends told me. “You are so outgoing and friendly.” It was really comforting, after all that had happened, to feel appreciated and as if I belong here.

There were two more distinctive events last week as well. My school just welcomed a new director, and so all of the teachers attended the director’s previous school’s farewell party for her. We traveled three hours to do this, because showing support is essential here. All of the teachers also attended a wedding in town – a beautiful event with an even more beautiful bride and delicious platters of food. None of us knew the bride or the groom; but, in Thailand – or at least in my own small village – being a community means being together, for everything. We share in funerals and weddings, in shopping days and in farewell parties. It’s really special.

Last weekend was a long one, so I took a trip to Bangkok. Saturday I visited Ayutthaya, the second capital of the Siamese Kingdom. It was founded in 1350 and remained the capital until its Burmese destruction in the 18th century. The expanse of the city is absolutely stunning. Visiting ruins is one of my favorite travel activities, so this day, further complimented by meeting several other travelers along the way, was an excellent one.

The following day, I journeyed to Ko Samet, on island south of Bangkok. The white sand beaches were beautiful, and it was the rejuvenating time that I needed to feel comfortable facing my culture shock wall, and continuing to settle into life as a Thai teacher.